Pansie

Pansie,

you give me a little whiff of your soul,

fragrant with the flowers of dawn.

Its only the same as it ever was

yet I see you,

and how you have withdrawn.

And I just can’t believe

that you, Pansie,

are the same soul I met the day when-

-I shot my shot into the sky,

you lit up like a thousand galaxies,

that I now watch like circuits,

light up at the sight of things-

you tell me you love.

 

Tell me Pansie, why did you stop?

Eating your greens

Going to class

Counting your coins

Tell me all of it.

I know its not in me,

to bring it back to you

but I do not have to.

As long as I can sit with you

on this dark November day,

light up the cigarette of nostalgia,

and watch it in between your lips, wither away.

No words have to leave your mouth

No tears you have to cry

Just let me sit with you in this loss

and watch all our minutes pass us by.

 

Time is numbered in this city-

-for people like you and me.

A plane will land me some 2000 miles away

and soon all you and I will have,

is this tiny sliver of blue light

to keep us from going astray.

 

But Pansie, I could care less,

if I have to look out for you

from a continent away.

As long as your rambling on and on

lights up my listless room-

-on this dark December day.

I will be okay.

Even when

nothing feels like home

and no one feels like mine.

 

I circle it back from time to time,

to the dreaded question of how you feel.

I do not wish to remind you of it-

-so I digress.

But I wish you let me know, every single time

how it feels in your chest,

when you think about the day

your world collapsed on you.

You broke down on the phone- just three words in.

I didn’t know what to say.

I asked you how it happened

you got the confrontations out.

How you did it, I still wonder.

 But Pansie, you need to tell me now.

Why you don’t talk about it.

Sit me down

and let your heart unfurl.

Cry about it or don’t

tell me how it burns.

 

You do not have to be good

or easy

or okay about it.

You can be torn

and bruised

and hurt

So hurt

for it is your right-

-to ask the world to slow down

and pause

let you sit with it.

Let it consume you, without the milkman knocking on your door,

all your "due at 11:59" eyesores.

 

I do not know how you do it,

be so calm about it,

but I wish that you never stop.

I just hope I can be,

the one you sit down with

when the world refuses to halt.

I will hold the earth by her feet and keep her from slipping away,

just to give you a measly few moments with something inconsequential to say.

 

Pansie!!!!!

Don’t you push it down.

Don’t stomach it for so long that you let it rot.

In your intestines, don’t let it turn to slop.

For if you let it sit in your gut-

-you will pump it in your blood.

I do not wish to see you turn rotten

with the grief we all thought you’d forgotten.

 

PANSIE

I’D RATHER HAVE YOU SAY IT A HUNDRED TIMES

than keep it in even once or twice.

You may read this and not know it is for you-

-but if you do

write to me.

Tell me that it hurts.

I will light us both a candle

and talk about it until you feel worse.

Yes, worse.

Because the adversity of loss is such,

that it will not consume you whole-

-until you become bigger and complete.

It will gnaw at you back,

when you finally have something to lose again.

Once more, it will remind you of

how it felt the last time.

 

But Pansie, do not be scared

For this time, I am prepared 

for all possibilities.

If you choose to forget it,

I will “eternal sunshine” it out of your heart.

But if you choose to remember,

know that we could be miles away

but

never apart.

 

 

 

 image credits- pinterest